Q4: Have you dealt with the shame and regret that is the binge/purge cycle?
When I put out the #WhyABDL Survey in 2018 I was surprised at the number of people who posted comments or sent me messages asking what binge and purge referred to.
Even after I or others explained it, there were still some people in our community who didn't seem to understand. To them, it seemed, the idea of a 'purge' was a foreign concept, something unfathomable.
If that is true, they are the lucky ones.
'Purge', of course, refers to the guilt-ridden, shame filled resignation of one's little side. That intense desire to be big, to no longer love diapers, to not need the feeling that 'little time' brings.
Some of us purge hard - we box up our bottles and dispose of our disposables, giving stuff away or trying to sell it - or just throwing it out. I've talked to members of our community who have spent hundreds of dollars on ABDL supplies and paraphernalia, only to masturbate once and throw it all in the trash. And I've even had members of the community ship me their stash for safekeeping.
I've only purged once in my life... but I didn't understand myself enough to call it that, of course. But for a year in junior high school I wore a lot less. I remember why so clearly: the reaction my best friend Mark had when I'd finally confessed my fetish to him - he was very concerned for me, making a connection between ABDL and pedophilia, and when he couldn't talk me out of liking diapers he resorted to giving me this - look - for a while that made me wish, intensely, that I was 'normal'.
He'd later do some research - there was no internet then, so I don't know how - and he'd finally come to the conclusion that it wasn't harmful. He'd later go on to be the first person to wear with me - well, kinda. But his acceptance put my mind at ease, and that was the end of purging for me, forever.
Others, of course, aren't so lucky.
For all of the purging that I didn't do, I've certainly been ghosted enough.
That's another term that confused people who took the survey. They, too, are probably among the lucky ones. Because if you've been ghosted - when an ABDL connection disappears without a trace - you know how much it sucks.
Ghosting happens in vanilla world too, of course. I have a straight friend who lives on Tinder who gets ghosted almost every week. (Probably deservedly so).
But ghosting in our community hits harder, I think. Because for some of us - especially the younger, less experienced members of our community - the connections we make are intense, powerful. When they suddenly end without warning - typically because the other person has entered that purging phase - we feel lost.
I am currently a 'purge buddy' for a local college kid/ABDL who alternates between intense feelings of littleness (binging) and a desire to shed all signs of his little side (purging). His diapers, onesies, and pacifiers live in a storage cube in my closet, and come out during those rare times that he's feeling little and has the time to indulge that side of himself. It's not often. But by leaving me his 'stash' and supplies, he knows that he can quickly come back to that side of himself anytime he wants.
Being ghosted sucks - but it happens a lot in this community, and it's something that we just grow accustomed to.
It's not us... it's them.
They need time away from their little side, and the people who make them feel little get pushed out of their lives.
They need to shed the diapers, and the people with whom they've forged strong connections around diapers are forced out of sight, out of mind.
Last year a Q&A response from one of the littles you'll read below drew several responses from members of the community. They felt like the words they were reading could have been written by them. That's why it's important to share this side of ourselves that we'd rather just forget in the good times - because most of us have been there, and sharing our stories help the littles who come along later understand why they feel shame and regret - and a desire to toss everything ABDL-related into the trash.
Thanks to each of these amazing ABDLs for sharing...
- CWIS
DO A Q&A! EMAIL CWIS! 18+
ABenjaminButton
24, New York USA & Italy | March 14, 2018
Over time I began to slowly become more and more daring wearing diapers around my family at home, to church youth group, or short weekend boy scout campouts where I knew I wouldn’t have to change. What was important about my ‘diaper development’ so to speak is that even to this day everything I’ve done has been very slow moving. I think for this reason, mixed with the fact that I’m just a very money-conscious person, I’m lucky to have never experienced the binge/purge cycle. Maybe a little bit of the binge, during weeks in high school or college when I was particularly stressed I would go through my diaper supply faster than usual. But by the time I started buying my own diapers, I was already going through the process of coming out to myself and eventually others abut being gay. I think in a way that being gay was so much more at the forefront of my mind that I had less time to feel bad about being AB/DL. Looking at pictures of other AB/DL boys online, wearing diapers, or getting into a little headspace was always my very private refuge from frequent panic attacks over school or work. l think in a way because being AB/DL was so clearly a helpful thing for me that out of all the things I should have purged in my life as a teenager, AB/DL was the least of them. [READ MORE]
BabySidekick
23 New Hampshire USA | April 4, 2018
Yes i've felt the purge… it is not fun and usually you end up worse off than before the purged in my experience. I dont burn my stuff or throw it out but rather lock it all away in the depths of the closet and dont wear or do anything “immature” . that tends to lead to me turning into a volcano of emotions and pent up feelings. Im terribly hard on myself about many things such as not making bad decisions at work or not being good enough at things such as people skills and the sort. Add being a big diaper baby on top of that and the amount of emotional pressure and stress is to much sometimes and then I slink into the purge mindset.
My big mistake last time i purged just a year ago was not building enough relationships or support networks in the community to help me through those feelings and avoid the purge. Having been lead on when thinking i've made a friend that i want to be close to for the rest of my life who is also abdl and the subsequent drama around that and people coming and going left mt feeling shattered. I tried to hang around for a bit but it got to the point where i didn't see the point in abdl if all i ever felt was alone. Loneliness is something everyone in this community battles or has battled at one point or another. But I feel it's important to look deeper than yourself when you're down or lonely try to make new friends i didn't do this before i purged last time and i see now that this was a big oversight.
My advice is to reach out and don't get discouraged about it if people don't seem interested there are tons of people in this community once you get through the crap you'll find the true gems and little treasures that can be your friend no matter if you're an active abdl or on a purge. Dont throw away gifts or little things. Sebastian my teddy is an example of a gift that after my purge I gave a new identity to and bought a new outfit for and now hes my favorite teddy again. [READ MORE]
Little Skywalker
23 San Francisco CA USA | April 2, 2018
Absolutely. You’re like, ah this is awesome! And then you think you’re a freak. It took me probably until I was about 18 or 19 to finally stop that cycle. For anyone that has been through it, it’s pretty shitty. You spend your allowance on diapers, and then throw them out. Not a really good place to be in. For anyone going through that now, I don’t think there’s a way to avoid it, other than knowing it’s ok. I think one of the things that helped me most was a photoset that someone posted. It was a photoshopped version of an Abena bag, and it basically replaced the instructions with phases like “This makes you happy, and some people get their happiness from far worse places, i.e. drugs, alcohol. This doesn’t hurt you or anyone else, so be yourself” or something along those lines. [READ MORE]
DiaperBoyAres
24, The Netherlands | January 11, 2018
Yeah, more or less. Teenagers are insecure about themselves in general I think. Having a ‘weird fetish’ just adds up to that. It’s a thing you can feel very insecure about and/or be ashamed of.
But I never really threw any stuff away or something. For me it was always clear that this was something that won’t be going away. I never tried to get rid of my ABDL-side, I just know I wouldn’t succeed in that. Self-acceptance is the only way to go, just because… there is no other way. [READ MORE]
KineseCD
20, Amsterdam, The Netherlands | April 15, 2017
For what the shame and regret is worth, I think I've told most the important things about that already. Beside that, I have also experienced a binges and purges in the feelings themselves. I have gone for months and even years without a significant desire for diapers, but have also experienced periods where I could barely think about anything else. Now that I am much more active in the social ABDL scene (as a subscene of the fetish/kink scene) I definitely think about diapers a lot but when I was in a serious relationship I didn't feel comfortable doing anything without her knowing and I also didn't want to tell her, I went without diapers for over two years fairly easily. I think that may have to do with how happy I was and therefore not needing anything like diapers or stuffies to be happy. [READ MORE]
ATwinkyToddler
21, Pacific Northwest USA | March 4, 2017
Eh, at times yes, but I've only been out on my own for a little while, so as of now I have no binge or purge thoughts because I've met a wonderful guy that shares the same interests.
Sometimes I'd just throw away my stash and stop thinking about diapers for weeks or months. I've gone a whole year without thinking of diapers at all. Now I can thankfully say I've been the happiest I've been in years.
Call the fetish weird all you want, but I'm not harming anyone or myself, it's just a little fun thing I do. Some people like drugs, and ruin their lives, I just like to wear diapers in the privacy of my own home, or underneath my clothes. I'm a pretty regular guy otherwise. I work, pay my bills, enjoy my time with family and friends like most other people. [READ MORE]
ABToddler
San Diego, CA USA | March 11, 2019
Q&A Series - Question 4 Oh yes, esp when I try and find clothing that fits because of my sensory issues, when I have to try and look for stuff that will do what I want it to, or allows me to try something out. Before I experienced life being an asexual, I would masturbate and not want a diaper for a day, or a few hours. But honestly, ive always tried my hardest to get my diapers not taken away from me, where I didn’t have to worry about all the other stuff that was going on. My diapers didn’t cause the stress, it was the other people around me who did. So I tried never to give them up. [READ MORE]
James aka APaddedGuyJ
24, Wiltshire, United Kingdom | February 19, 2018
Several times. Like many in our community I struggled to accept who\what I was, and through that developed a fear of anyone finding out.. Several times I would accumulate a few ABDL items, such as a dummy and a bottle, but then the fear would get too much or I’d be ashamed of it (I used to tell myself to grow up) and I’d chuck it all out but then a month or two later I’d miss it all and start again. [READ MORE]
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT!
Brad
26, Jonesborough, Tennessee USA | September 9, 2017
I have alot of shame about wearing. I still feel self-continence about being in diapers and what would others think as I am very close to my family and around people alot with my job just makes me nervous it could get back to my parents. I wouldn't care if a stranger said something about me wearing. Just don't want my parents friends or co workers to look at me in a different light because of it. I used to binge and purge alot because of this. I used to think if I just stopped it would just go away but then it made me want to wear more. Its kinda like going without your choice underwear or a piece of yourself. I've learned its going to be a part of my life just got to move with it. I am just not sure how the future idea of having kids with my wife to be will effect this. I've been thinking alot about it these days as our wedding is coming closer and closer. [READ MORE]
Caleb
22 Colorado Springs, CO USA | February 11, 2019
I would say yes, but not really into great excess. I have felt shame about being ABDL, as I’m sure most of us have, comes with the territory I guess. It’s hard to separate my past from this. The thoughts of “oh, is this because of the trauma I have faced throughout my young life, or is this much simpler than that” are always there when I do participate. After a few years, and with some ABDL friends, I have begun to accept that even I am ABDL, and the reasons don’t matter how I got here, just enjoy the moment. [READ MORE]
Caliboy557
31 Los Angeles, CA, USA | September 25, 2018
I’ve never really faced the purge aspect. I’ve definitely noticed that over the years my INTEREST in wearing has changed, but also my acceptance has. When I was younger, I definitely swung more to the DL side of the spectrum. Diapers were a sexual release. I grew up reading stories on the various sites back in the day (Deekers Diaper page + Whatever else there was), which was obviously great and definitely helped me feel more normal. I think the “Shame” part of it comes from a lot of DL’s that wear super casually and feel terrible after they have their sexual release and immediately want to take the diaper off, feeling that they did something naughty. I definitely used to experience this when I seldom wore, but that feeling waned pretty quickly once I started wearing more regularly. It became more about comfort and anxiety reduction than sexual. [READ MORE]
Champ
29 Monterey, CA USA | April 3, 2015
Yes! I dealt with that for a long long time. I started wearing at 18, as soon as I got to live on my own, and from that point on I was alternately torn between the irresistible desire to buy and wear diapers, and the feeling that what I was doing wasn't normal and I had to stop.
I've since overcome that issue but only after many small steps, from accepting that it's not going to go away, all the way to refusing to turn down encounters with cute guys just because I'm wearing diapers. It's gone really well for me!
[READ MORE]
Crinklestar aka RobbiexRainbow
19 Archdale, NC | April 28, 2012
For the first 2 years of being part of the fetish, I would go hard at wearing for a few weeks, and then not think of it for a month or so. On two separate occasions, I threw all my stuff out and a month later, I was forced to start fresh. Third year of doing so [17, Senior year], I became a lot better with it because I rationalized it all out and found a comfortable median and haven’t had a binge/purge cycle. [READ MORE]
Dattbabbywolff
25 Louisiana, USA | December 5, 2014
No. Despite feeling shameful about it sometimes for a week or so I would always re-assess myself and what I wanted, and when I kept getting the same answer I stopped worrying about it. Wearing diapers and feeling little never felt wrong to me. What felt wrong was that I continued to engage with people who would not accept me. [READ MORE]
DBCayden
23 Dallas, TX USA |December 2, 2015
I'm recovering from a pretty long purge right now where i deleted my last tumblr and kind of secluded myself from the ABDL community. I'm trying not to binge too bad with new ABDL stuff, but I feel like I'll be buying a TON of new stuff very soon. [READ MORE]
Denoteboom13
25 Indianapolis, IN USA | October 26, 2018
Not really. I have a binge cycle for participating in the ABDL online community, where I'll be incredibly active for a few months and then lose interest and pretty much disappear for a year, but I'm always still in diapers on my own. I've never felt the purge in any aspect, though. I've always had diapers around and I've only ever deleted or completely abandoned one of my ABDL accounts, and that wasn't voluntary. [READ MORE]
Leon, aka DiaperMoxxi
18 Cambridgeshire, England | February 13, 2013
I've never had this personally, but sadly some of the people I've talked too and got close too have over the last few months. It's really quite disheartening to get too know someone and even get as close as to call them daddy and then a few days later they just vanish... It's put me off a lot of times but I've decided to just muscle through till I can find a real daddy to look after me. It's worth the stress really. [READ MORE
DiaperWhiz
28 Brooklyn NY USA | April 19, 2012
For me I go through these cycles of wearing and not wearing. Not because I am ashamed or want to disavow diapers forever, but sometimes I think I am spending too much time on RUP or ABDLC when I should be studying and or working. When that happens I tend to distance my self from diapers. When I am feeling alone however, its nice to know there is a community to come back to. I sometimes get good feedback on my photos and it makes me feel good, I am hoping that one day it will lead to a knight in a shiny diaper to whisk me away from all of this. haha.
But the cycle continues, binge/purge, but that cycle is more drastic now with stuff like tumblr (which is the main reason i don't share face pics anymore), because you can consume all these images with never really having the social aspect. You binge on the "porn" but never get to share anything real with someone who has grown up dealing with the same things. Thats why I think stuff like this Q&A is so meaningful and important. Its great to share sexy images of each other padded up to the extreme (Please keep em coming) but that cannot be the entire basis of the community, there needs to be some substance. [READ MORE]
SPONSORS: YOUR AD HERE
Dinobaby
22 Newmarket on Fergus, County Clare Ireland | February 8, 2012 *1st Q&A Ever*
I have no brothers or sisters so only my dad and 1 of my cousins and 1 of my aunts know im into the abdl stuff and accept me for it as long as I am safe and happy.
My dad knows about them and my love the abdl stuff. When I was bout to tell him something important he said I know and said it that its diaper. And that he doesn't mind as long as im happy and safe and to keep it not so much hidden but not to tell loads of people about it. He found out as after my mam passed on he became worried about me and started checking what I was looking at online when I wasn't around. He doesn't mind me doing it but at sametime im still shy about wearing diapers round him under my clothes im slowly getting used to it now. I have a sort of baby room in my mams house which I now own and live in and he helped me put it together with winnie the pooh curtains and furniture for clothes and shelves for my diapers and diapering supplies. I told him I want to put a crib on it and he said he will help me with it and other baby furniture as he made my crib as a baby and other furniture when we get round to it. Without him accepting it id find it hard to do or not comfortable.
My aunt I told as I felt comfortable she would take it well and she did so im happy with it. She even baught me a winnie the pooh blanket for Christmas which was the 1st time any1 has gotten me anything babyish as an adult.
My cousin I told over face book as she was asking who I was going to visit in uk as I meet the person online. She was shocked and asked lots of questions about It I told her to google the word paraphelic infantilism. Like my aunt and dad shes ok with it as long as im safe and happy with what im doing. [READ MORE]
Dprderic
30 Dallas TX USA | August 25, 2012
Thankfully, I am past this stage (at least I hope!). However, I remember it well. Several times throughout my life I have picked up all of my diaper-related paraphernalia, thrown it all into a trash bag, and walked to the dumpster. And each time I was sure it would be the last time I'd indulge in such a strange "sexual thing." Now that I have spent a number of years on various diaper sites and have meet a number of really cool people online, I have not experienced a purging in a very long time. Hell, the binge/purge cycle gets expensive after a while. [READ MORE]
DprSteve92
23 Myrtle Beach, SC USA | January 9, 2016
Oh the binge and purge. I think every abdl has dealt with this at some point in their life. I would wear almost everyday then just be completely disgusted with myself and bury it down inside for months on end. But not matter what it would always come back. When I was about 20 I kind of just accepted the fact that no matter what. I will always love being padded and being little. So now iI really don’t deal with the binge and purge aspect anymore, which is amazing! [READ MORE]
Dan aka Growing-boysXL
22 Leesburg, Virginia USA | May 28, 2017
I dealt with it until i turned 18 really. I was very religious growing up, and was not only ashamed of my sexuality, but diapers as well. I was in a church which really pressured conformity and holiness, so it ended up I felt as though I could “fix” myself by trying to purge the diaper stories, and fantasies from my life. Needless to say, it didn’t work. It actually drove me to a severe depression for several years. I knew I couldn’t suppress who I was for very long before I dropped right back in where I had been before. The guilt I forced myself to feel, and the shame really crippled me and I became really secluded in my youth group. This ended up sending me in a downward spiral, and when I was 14 I attempted to take my life. Needless to say, I failed and my mom walked in on me. I realized at that point there was very little point in trying to hold myself back from who I was. I needed to learn to accept and embrace who I was, because holding it back was literally going to kill me. [READ MORE]
Heisenberg DL
27 New York, NY USA | May 12, 2017
Well I had times where it was easier and times where it was harder, it was a bit different though, the shame came from liking it, the regret came from the indulgence until eventually it all wore off and I realized I was just better off letting myself be myself. My mind and my body wanted this and who was I to deny myself of that. This made me feel good, I'd never had much of a sex life, I'd focused on so many other things, so when I did find what a good release it could give me, I gradually indulged. I turned to articles written on the internet to help with the acceptance, they all said things like well a diaper lover isnt hurting anyone by loving diapers, and wiki how had a lot of good stuff too on how this was just a life style many people enjoyed so with alot of help from the internet I'd gotten a ton of advice that over time helped me alot. I was basically already in diapers the part I took time with accepting was the masturbation in them and relating them to anything sexual at all. [READ MORE]
Iker Nash
29 Mexico City Mexico | September 7, 2020
I have only do it once, it was at the time that I was going to the university, I started living with my boyfriend as he was also a foreign student.
At that time, I wasn’t involved with the abdl community as everyone seems to live in other countries and I wasn’t too good at English, I really wanted to start using diapers more often and be treates like a little kid so I decided to told my boyfriend about it.
It takes me a really long time to gather the courage to tell him, I was really embarrassed about it, sadly he doesn’t accept that part of myself and as I was really young (19 years old) I really try to change that part of myself but as time has passed I found that I was trying to force myself to be someone I wasn’t.
It takes me many years to come back and be part of the community, I am really grateful for all the brave littles that comes out in Tumblr 10 years ago and all the people that started making blogs, groups and conventions they really inspired me to be able to feel myself and share the joy of been abdl with others.
ImaginationOfABoy aka Baby Xander
20 Traveling the USA | December 26, 2015
I've only ever purged once in my life, and it wasn't from shame, more so the stress of big life and the seemingly irresponsibility of my obsession. [READ MORE]
Inky Wonky
58 Salem Oregon USA | May 4, 2012
Yes on many occasions.
Whenever I would start to purchase plastic pants, or wear diapers, I would feel real guilty about it and wondered why I was doing such I thing. I didn't know anyone else ever doing it, especially peers and classmates. I also thought about the expenses in participating in such behaviors and wondered if it was really worth it or not.
About every 3 or 4 years I would buy supplies to peak my interest in the diapers and then end up throwing them all away. Such a waste of money, I thought.
I went into counseling several times in hope of finding a way to rid my behavior, especially after I got marriage. That didn't work either. Eventually I got to the point where a couple of psychiatrist informed me that it would be much better to accept this behavior than to have to live with taking a lot of medicines and counseling. I'm classified as being Clinical Depressed so continue taking medications to keep me from being so depressed. [READ MORE]
JamesFrost
26 Chicago Illinois USA | July 19, 2018
I went through four major purge cycles before I realized that this interest was a positive force in my life. I would throw everything away…and go buy more diapers/pull ups days later. I accepted my abdl lifestyle around 14-15. [READ MORE]
JayCub
21 Omaha, Nebraska USA | January 15, 2016
Oh plenty. I could only assume everyone has done these kind of situations. I used to think this fetish was abnormal and yes it can be, but now that I've felt it and relaxed into it I see its just something as simple as being gay. While growing into the fetish I had all these feelings like one day I would say: ya that sounds good padding, a pair of PJ's, and relaxing some other days were: this is disgusting, this isn't right, I shouldn't be doing something like this. It come's and goes, but now its just lets go ahead or nah maybe later though. Never all those negative thoughts. [READ MORE]
Jeffy
22 Austin Texas USA | February 9, 2013
I actually do not recall many moments in my past in which I experienced such feelings. I do recall that high amounts of stress would make it hard for me to become regressed, or to even bring myself to put on a diaper and relax, but this was several years ago, and I simply can’t go undiapered( for very long at least!) I have found different ways to relieve stress in addition to regressing, and the “purge” cycle is non-existent! [READ MORE]
Jess
24 Toronto Ontario Canada | October 25, 2012
Ohhhh yes. I find that this is such a common experience with people who aren’t involved on a 24/7 basis. I’m always saying something like “oh, I’m not into it right now”. Then, three months later I’m searching the web looking for local stores with abenas and asking abies and dls to play. I guess it’s both the nature of the fetish and my own personal quirks. I’m scattered with most interests, so it makes sense that I’m rather fickle with my diaper desires. [READ MORE]
ThatLittleJoel
19 Wisconsin, USA | September 12, 2020
Oh... My... God.. (chandler bing) yes I have. I can tell you it is not productive, you would think after the first time or even the second you would get over it. But NOPE. Each time I purged I regretted it. In the beginning when it was just me, it was not so bad. I threw away a diaper or two and that was that. But as I started going onto social media, started buying more and more stuff it became worse. I deleted tumblr multiple times, I got rid of tons of diapers, threw away onesies galore, it was so unhealthy. When you are flying high it feels like nothing can touch you, but then something in your brain just clicks or someone finds out and the world comes crashing down on you. You feel yourself not expressing yourself, closing yourself off, just being negative or putting on a facade. Now I am not saying ABDL is everything to me, but it is a part of me. When negativity and questions of what ABDL is, you do not know how to answer. How do you answer to someone or to yourself why you tick this way or why you feel the way you do? And sometimes it is just too much and you throw it all away.
SPONSORS: YOUR AD HERE
Kita Sparkles
June 5, 2018
For years I went through that. I would get disgusted and throw everything away, going to great lengths to make sure it would not be discovered in the garbage. Then the urge would come back and I'd start collecting stuff again. Because I am a born-again Christian, I dealt with whether or not God would be mad about me doing that. Finally, after much time thinking about it, I concluded that God is interested in much bigger and deeper things than what kind of underwear I decide to put on and where I decide to go to the bathroom. After that, I just stopped purging. I guess I accepted it. [READ MORE]
Chuck aka LittleBoyC
23 Kansas|December 13, 2014
I did for just because I felt like a outcast even though I knew others into it. I actually kinda left it all behind for a few months but I knew in my mind that my little side was gonna be there forever. [READ MORE]
LittleBoyJakey
21 Richmond, VA | November 13, 2020
ABSOLUTELY! I cannot count the times I have thrown out all my abdl gear in shame. I was also dealing with some unresolved mental health issues and periodically I would start to feel disgusted by myself and my abdl side. Luckily I ended up getting some mental health assistance and started to accept my little side and all that comes with it! I discovered that little space is like an anxiety medicine for me and I haven’t had any “purge” for about 2-3 years.
Littleguyau
35 Melbourne, Victoria Australia | November 4, 2018
It's been so long, I do recall throwing out some plastic pants at one stage, but that's about it. [READ MORE]
LittleXan
28 Southeast England | March 7, 2019
Not really, I'm still super secretive about it.
I am in a relationship and have been for 8 years. He found some when we first got together and was very clear about him and me not doing it. So for a few years I stayed away from padding. But the allure was always there, I was still in the community and still wanting but couldn't indulge.
Then my boyfriend went away for a week and I splurged on getting padding and spend almost the entire week as 24/7. It was pure bliss, but then I felt the shame of spending too much, hiding it from everyone and a little shameful. But then the reasoning of it wasn't hurting anyone and I enjoyed it etc.
It was easier now I'm older, when I was younger it was tougher to reason. [READ MORE]
LT
22 Virginia USA | February 6, 2013
I have done the binge/purge thing a couple times. The only time that I ever feel shame about it, is when I find myself in a relationship. I will usually feel shame and get rid of everything before my significant other has a chance to find out about them. Although the weird thing is that I usually have a want or need of them when I'm in a relationship with someone. [READ MORE]
Mez
26 Anaheim CA USA | January 12, 2016
When I was teenager, I probably did a lot of binge/purge situations. I lived at home and there were 8 people in one house. I knew that one day someone might see me and find something, so I do remember throwing out a lot of things. But there was a time where I thought that I was crazy or that I shouldn’t wear diapees period and I should be saner.
Good thing I think differently now. [READ MORE]
Min
33 Colorado Springs CO USA | November 15, 2016
When I was younger I has several binge purge cycles. Now I look back and wish I had never thrown all that stuff away, mostly harder to get items like custom made clothing. I had a major purge after I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years who knew about my fetish and participated, I had a nursery similar to the one I have now including a crib and got rid of everything. Now that I have accepted my AB side and found someone who accepts and fully understands it as well I think any more purges should be a thing of the past. [READ MORE]
Oliver
26 Rochester NY USA | July 8, 2018
In my early teens, I felt a lot of shame about my habits and interests. But, I figured out that those feelings came from not understanding and accepting myself and also from the typical shame/guilt feeling that boys get in their stomach once they start jerking off. Once I realized how common kinks like mine were in the real world and met others like myself, the shame faded away. I purged once or twice, but I'm too practical to throw good stuff away for no good reason. [READ MORE]
OneFitStoner420
28 Providence RI USA | June 10, 2018
It used to be mainly sexually charged for me, but as I've gotten older I've accepted that ABDL is a part of me and enjoy it rather than let it bother me. [READ MORE]
Pacifires
26 Alabama USA | March 4, 2019
Of course. Haven't we all at some point or another? I've come to terms with this side of me now, but when I was in high school I felt an insurmountable shame towards it. I was even convinced for a short period of time that if I just ignored it, if I just buried it deep enough, it would eventually go away. I was scared what it meant about me. I was scared what would happen if people found out. I just wanted to be... normal. The thing is that I /am/ normal. There's nothing wrong with me because I like wearing diapers or drinking out of sippy cups. My only real regret is that I hated myself because of this for such a long time. This is part of who I am and I'm happy that it is. [READ MORE]
SPONSORS: YOUR AD HERE
PaddedCrinkles
33 Phoenix AZ USA | April 14, 2019
Maybe this is a blessing of finding my way into this life at a later age, but this is not something I have dealt with. Plus I'd be too cheap to ever rid myself of my stash. :P
Padded DJ
27 New Orleans, LA | June 3, 2018
The shame that I have felt in relations to being into diapers has been absolutely unbearable. I remember at several point through high school even, having these extreme existential crisis’s, breaking down in tears and throwing my diapers away. I felt like such a freak. It did not help that I was dealing with being a mostly closeted gay boy in the deep south. While it was still impossible for me to be public at all, once I turned 18, I at least accepted that this was just a part of me that I was going to have to at least accept to myself. [READ MORE]
Pandaku
24 Fort Collins CO USA | March 24, 2016
I had to purge my collection before, but I gave them to a friend to hold till I got time to get them back. [READ MORE]
PupKeno
25 New York, NY USA | August 2, 2018
The only shame I have ever felt was me dealing with my sexuality. It took over six years to accept and embrace who I was. When I finally knew that I was a DL I told myself that I wouldn’t be ashamed of myself again and whatever I was into. I didn’t ask to be gay as much as I didn’t ask to be a DL or any other things I’m into. I didn’t just wake up one and tell myself “OK, today I love diapers”. So why question what makes me happy as long as it’s not illegal or harming anyone. [READ MORE]
Paul Rulof aka RuleOfThree
33 Chicago IL USA | May 22, 2013
I have experienced the binge and purge cycle that you describe with porn, diapers, as well as bondage accessories when I was younger. Many of the people I've interviewed have spoken about this cycle as well, telling me how they threw things into rivers, or buried them in the backyard, only to dig them up later.
I find that I’ve moved past the shame and regret of my earlier years. Once I’ve realized that this is part of who I am, and that I was ok with it, the feelings of guilt and shame started to vanish. Knowing that other people had the same interests and feelings also made me feel better. Especially meeting others in person and seeing that they had similar struggles. [READ MORE]
SDKBoi
24 Destin, FL USA | February 3, 2019
I think at some point or another all of us have gone through this. Or atleast the people who grew up without social media. The internet let a lot of us know that it wasn’t just me who was like this and that maybe it was okay. . I remember growing up I had just bought a pack of goodnites. So of course I went home soaked it and as soon as I did I suddenly just felt disgusted with how I felt about it so I grabbed all of my goodnites and threw them all away. Little did I know I would regret that decision right after trash day. [READ MORE]
Shadow
28 Austin TX USA | February 9, 2019
I’ve never really had a purge cycle. I’ve always been into diapers and knew it wasn’t going to go away. Though I have thought about giving it all up, I have never gone that far. [READ MORE]
SGB
25 Eureka CA USA | September 20, 2012
I had difficulty with intense shame and regret after wearing or using a diaper when I was a teen. My first partner at age 17 helped me cope and come to accept that part of myself. Now I'm comfortable in my own skin. There'll be weeks when I don't feel very sexy and there'll be weeks when it's all I think about. I don't trash my gear or feel guilt over something that doesn't hurt anybody. [READ MORE]
StrengthOfTurningTides
22 Shropshire UK | June 19, 2018
This bloody cycle does my tree in. Yes, I've fallen victim to this cycle and I hate it. I wish it was one or the other. I have no idea the psychology behind it but I'm sure it's a completely natural cycle. My method is just to enjoy it while its lasting. [READ MORE]
TeddyNhislittle
22 Chicago IL USA | February 9, 2019
That I have and its something that was super hard to overcome. Since I im a bedwetter I already felt shame over that be I was also forced to grow up a bit quick since my parents are always working and I had to be the one to look after my younger sibling. Being the older sibling made my shame greater and I started purging everything and eventually binge and hating what I was doing I felt like a freak ,then after starting on tumblr and fetlife and taking to so many kind people I was able to overcome my shame and stop. [READ MORE]
ToddlerBoiCharlie
19 Charlotte, NC USA | October 31, 2012
Oh I have for sure, I would say that it is fair to say that I may be the king of all binge and purge cycles. Honestly since about the age of 13, I started to feel extreme guilt about my diaper side and would decide that I needed to separate this from my life. I would take whatever baby related things that I have and throw them out and then I would try to disconnect from any ABDL connections that I had online. This exact cycle has occurred to me pretty much every 6 months (If I was lucky I would last that long) from the age of 13-17. After that I had a big change in my life by meeting my daddy and he really helped me get through a lot of those feelings. I would be lying to you if I said that I am 100% secure in my diaper side and feel like I have a lot of self acceptance, but I strive one day to get to that point in my life. [READ MORE]
Welshdiaper
24 Wales UK | May 8, 2015
I have, to an extent. I've had periods of throwing everything away, and then just buying more in bulk after a short period of time. Honestly, I've just accepted that its a part of who I am, and though I only indulge in it from time to time now, I'll have weeks where I'll be inclined to wear daily, and weeks where I can ignore it. It's just about balance. [READ MORE]
SPONSORS: YOUR AD HERE
Windman
40s South Africa | September 30, 2012
There was a stage when I got fed up with the guys and the constant bullshit I was fed online and declared “I am going to go out and get a girl pregnant and never blacken these doors again” but in all honesty the desire to nurture is way too strong to be fought. It is part of who I am and always has been. I’ve given up fighting it. My Mom has always been obsessed with babies. A baby enters the room and demon woman takes over. Given that I have always had access to women’s and family magazines. I have schooled myself in everything I can find out about real babies and most if applies to adults. Now that I have a kindle I can safely read stuff without anyone ever knowing or suspecting a thing. Of course the fact that I can always eavesdrop on mothers as they discuss their kids, their pregnancies and the issue they face with babies and kids always helps. On the rare occasion I hear something I don’t know too much about I log onto Chrome, go incognito and research everything I can find. I have said it before : being an adult baby doesn’t make you weak in any way. It takes a lot more guts to be submissive and let someone else call the shots than it ever will to be leader. Babies who are comfortable with who they are and accept themselves as productive successful people have my utmost respect. [READ MORE]
Zac
21 New Jersey USA | April 30, 2012
I actually haven't had any problems with that. I know that is sometimes a big deal with ab/dls in their 20s, but never had a problem with it. I have been wearing 24/7 for almost 3 years so I'm pretty comfortable with myself. [READ MORE]
